After another glorious escapade to Maine, it's expected that I come back to tell tales of clear skies and green pastures. However, while I'm sure I'll get to that sometime; this blog will only cover the disgusting, "Welcome Home" gift I received last night.
For commuting purposes, I left my car on a side street in Hicksville under a lovely little tree and wedged neatly next to the sidewalk. After a hasty run to the train station I realized I'd left the keys in the car and hoped no criminal would fiend for my space wagon. I left confident that my magical whip’s clever disguise as an old 93' station wagon would deter any thieves and subsequently forgot about it altogether until my return.
As my friend Meg turned down the block I left my car on, I squealed in excitement that my hunk of metal glory was not stolen. However, once approaching the front door, I realized it had been badly beaten in a earth shattering act of vandalism. From roof top racks to my P.C. Richards promotional bumper sticker my space wagon was covered.
"Oh my God!" I screamed while tossing my suitcase on the ground. Meg rolled down the her car window and laughed.
I outstretched my pointer finger and opened the door, narrowly missing the encrusted substance that rained down on my car while I was up in Maine. After sitting inside the space wagon, turning on the windshield wipers and realizing I had no wiper fluid I was brought back to Friday night.
"It's time for introductions!" Tyler, the man of the house, said. "Ooooo let's play a game!" Ellen screeched, "What's your name? Where do you go to school? What's your favorite animal?" While it would've made more sense for the 1 person present that we didn't know to introduce himself, we decided to play the childish game. As one of the last people to answer, I racked my brain for the favorite animal question. When it was my turn I replied, "My name's Jenn. I went to Saint Joe's and my favorite animals are birds."
Most of my friends laughed immediately, understanding that for years I have had a dislike, and hovering fear of those winged creatures. Still, I stood by my answer, which brings me back to my gross, nasty, blaaah space wagon encounter last night.
I'm going to assume that as my friends played our name game, a large gathering of birds played their own game. "Who's your favorite human?" they clucked. I was hands down the winner, and my prize? Bird crap. "Tweet, tweet, hooray for Jenn!" the birds must've squawked as they plummeted my car with their droppings. "She's the best!"
Oh how I regretted my stupid sarcastic joke the moment I saw their retaliation.
Before cleaning off the grossness I met up with a friend who immediately said, "Looks like the birds got at ya car." I then went through a drive-thru in which the headset man asked in a very serious tone, "Maim, what happened to your car?" And finally while parked at the gas station a wide eyed woman gawked from a distance. "Whaaaaat haaaaaaappened?" she said. By then I'd just about had it and Meg added, "Uuuuuh some of this ain't coming off."
We scrubbed and whipped and scrubbed and screamed. "Seriously? This is so gross." I said right before admitting defeat. We sat inside of my car and gagged while looking at the bird crap smeared windows that encased us. I'm going to need a custom printed ice scraper to take care of this bird dropping debacle. Make that promotional ice scrapers. I think I need every Motivator armed with an ice scraper to demolish the packed on bird crap.
Ugh. I'm going to put my bad boy through a car wash after work and will let you know of any updates tomorrow. I'm seriously worried that I may be rejected at the car wash due to the amount of nastiness that is now my space wagon. So really, thank you birds. I can't think of better way to return home, then with the wrath of your disgustingness sealing my car doors shut.
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